Grief: are they coping?

I often have family and friends of people who have experienced a major loss contact me and say they are worried that their loved one is not coping. It often only takes one session for me to work out that the person is coping fine it is the dramatic change in their behaviour that leaves others feeling lost as to what to do.

Grief is a healing process for a wound caused by a loss. The wound like a physical one is painful and debilitating. It requires rest, sleep, nutrition and change to adapt to the new environment. What the wound feels like, and what it requires for the person to heal and start their new life will vary for everyone.

The constant is that it is a wound to the persons identity and it takes time for the emotions and thoughts to work out how to heal the wound. Wordens’ tasks of grieving are focused on loss through death of a person but there are significant losses that do not involve the death of a person. Losses through relationship breakups, breakdowns, death of pets, loss of jobs, homes or country and changes in identity such as single to married, childless to parent etc.

Wordens’ tasks adapted version:

  1. To accept the reality of the loss

  2. To work through the pain of grief

  3. To adjust to the environment in which the significant person, pet, purpose or security is missing

  4. To find a permanent connection to the significant loss while moving on with life.

The ways to do these tasks can vary but the only real question is does the behaviour of the person grieving cause any harm or damage to themselves or others? Does the person feel stuck with what they are experiencing over a long period of time. Others judgements of how a person is grieving will only cause them to withdraw and hide their grief and may indeed cause it to become stuck through shame and fear.

To support the grief process in others here are the top 6 tips

  1. Be practical: deliver meals, mow the lawn, pick up the kids.....say your doing it rather than ask. It is hard for people to even know what they need when they are in pain.

  2. Don't use cliches: say what the real truth is for them and you. Usually that you don't know what to say and that you can't imagine what they are going through but you would like to listen and help.

  3. Say the persons name anytime you think of it. Memories are moments of pain but also love and healing

  4. Ask rather than assume things:Some people want to talk about the loss, some people don't some people want company some people don't, and so on,so ask.

  5. Give permission, some people don't want company because they feel uncomfortable about being sad or angry with others around but need to be to grieve. Give permission and create safe space for them to be with you and feel and express what they need.

  6. Listen and don't give advice. When we sit in silence and wait long enough people have their own wisdom that will rise and help them.

I have heard of a culture where a bereaved person sits in a circle with others and feels their feelings and does what they need to do with everyone else as silent witnesses until the person comes to a still place and finds some insight or understanding than then is shared with the whole community. In this way grief is honoured as an important journey for everyone.